Local Psychologist Shares Parenting Advice at Weston High School Forum

Parents who attended psychologist Dr. Robert Evans’ talk “Raising Healthy Teens in Challenging Times” may have been expecting to be told to spend quality time with their kids, to follow prescribed limit-setting techniques, and to read parenting books for advice.

Instead, Evans told them to be more like Fred Rogers and Julia Child.

These famous figures, said Evans, were experts at one of the three crucial components of raising resilient children: Nurturing.

“Mr. Rogers liked you just the way you are,” said Evans, who cautioned parents to appreciate “what your kids are like as people as opposed to what they’re capable of doing.”

Nurture, said Evans, is “the building block that leads to the capacity to learn to function as a member of a community.” He explained that reciprocity, which he described as the ability “to set our needs aside for others, confident that our needs will be met at other times” is an essential skill that children must absorb.

“The laboratory for reciprocity begins at home, in the bosom of the family,” said Evans.

The second thing kids need, according to Evans: Structure. Using a visual image involving a box, he said, “What’s in the box is what we do. What’s outside is what we don’t do.”

Parents’ role with respect to structure is to decide what values are in the family’s box, which are outside it, and what the penalties will be for going outside the box, explained Evans.

“They’ll be better able to persevere and to put themselves in others’ shoes because they’ll be able to learn lessons from what they do wrong,” he said

The third ingredient of good parenting, according to Evans: Latitude. “Kids need a chance to learn from their choices,” he said. Noting that teenagers will be expected to solve problems at work and in relationships when they become adults, Evans said, “The key way to get good at those things is the same way you get good at anything—practice.”

The goal in granting latitude, according to Evans, is to avoid the extremes. If kids are given what he termed “maximum freedom,” there is “no port in the storm of danger.”

The other scenario, in which parents protect their kids from the consequences of their actions, is not advisable either.

“You can’t cope with adversity if you never had to,” said Evans. “If you stay in between, kids generally do okay.”

Evans talked about the current climate in which parents navigate their responsibilities.

“We’re victims of astonishing success,” he said. “These advantages are making it harder to deliver nurturing, structure and latitude in sufficient quantities.”

Kids have always been “born selfish,” said Evans. In previous generations, however, a parent’s “Because I said so!” ended a conversation. Today, kids respond with a great deal of negotiation that gives them a false sense of authority.

Evans worries that parents simply don’t spend enough time with their kids. "They need, and provoke, huge quantities of low-quality time,” he said, adding that, “the thankless tasks and the drudgery that are in between the wonderful moments” are necessary to their healthy development.

Pointing out that every negative characteristic found in a parent has a flip side that can be viewed as positive, Evans told the audience members to be themselves when parenting. He discouraged them from adopting techniques that aren’t genuine.

“Your kids know who you are,” he said.

Parents were instructed to go home and make a list of all their strengths and only three weaknesses. “Then throw the weaknesses away, and post the strengths,” he said.

“Eventually, your kids will see the list and ask about it. Say to them ‘These are my strengths as a parent. Would you like to add to them?’” Evans said, to resulting laughter.

Evans’ last piece of advice was a familiar one. “(Kids) learn more from the example you set than the sermon you preach,” he said. “The example matters a lot.”

The evening concluded with a question-and-answer session and Evans’ sharing a description of his imaginary invention, a “grandparent pill.” If possible, he explained, he’d have all parents view their children from the perspective of a grandparent for 36 hours.

Parents Asa Phillips and Sheryl Greenberg had positive reactions to the messages that Evans communicated.

“I thought it was great, very thought provoking,” said Phillips. “He kept it simple and used common sense. It gave me things I hope I can take home and use.”

“He’s phenomenal,” Greenberg said of Evans, whom she’s heard speak before. “He puts things into perspective. It’s a sanity check.”